Monday, May 25, 2009

Not Me! Monday! I'm a Dork Edition!

Well, hello, bloggy friends! I am back after a very (seemingly) long stretch without my computer. Alas, it is still screwy, so I cannot upload the Not Me! Monday! logo, but I will remind you that this was created by MckMama.

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! I am a big, giant, dork edition!

This week, I did NOT learn many lessons about computers. To be honest, I am just a teensy bit computerally illiterate. If you haven't figured that out by now. We got internet a little over a year ago, which was the first time I have had internet since living with my parents. Yeah. So there have been may changes in the last twelve years, which I was not aware of. And twelve years ago I did not care.

I was NOT running my computer without a firewall. I was NOT assuming that you had to actually download bad stuff to get a virus.

My brother bought me a shiny new router. This conversation did NOT take place as he was trying to explain it to me in terms I would understand:
Me: What's that?
Jeff: This is a wireless router.
Me: A wha?
Jeff: (did a great job refraining from rolling his eyes) OK. Here's what has been going on. Your computer has been having an affair with the entire internet without a c0ndom.
Me: Wait, my computer is pregnant?
Jeff: No, but your computer has every STD out there.
Me: That's bad.
Jeff: This (holds up router) is your c0ndom.
Me: Dirty computer.

I did NOT just spell c0ndom with a zero to avoid people finding my blog by googling something naughty.

I did NOT have a rogue anti-spyware program.

Jeff did NOT spend ten hours trying to clear my computer of nasties before setting it up so that he could control it from his house, and then go home and work on it for two more days.

I decided to count how many infections my computer had, viruses, Trojans, spyware, etc. I did NOT stop counting after I reached 200.

I did NOT just say my computer had over two hundred infections. That's just crazy.

Between my brother, his wife, and two of their friends that had come up to visit and help paint, there was NOT talk about how no one there had ever seen a worse computer except for lab situations where people purposely try to get computers infected, and even then it was close.

I did NOT have hackers sending Spam mail from my computer to hundreds of people.

There was NOT a debate about how many people have been tracking every keystroke I have ever made on this computer. Which kind of makes me giggle a little since I actually type like this:

Thi quick brownf ox jumpwed over the lazy dig. Simple sompn met a poeman going tho the fair. I am the very modedl of a moderm Majo rGenreal.

HaHa, nasty hackers! Good luck with that one!

My computer does NOT still have problems, and needs to have the hard drive wiped out and everything re-installed. Which means I am NOT losing Photoshop, since it came with this computer and I can't re-install it.

Sniff. Sob.

The computer is NOT slower than molasses in January and shuts itself down every ten minutes or so.

OK, enough whining. How about a contest? If I make this seem fun, will you all participate? I am stealing this idea from MckMama too.

I need to find out if I got this computer first, or if I ordered the World's Crappiest Digital Projector first. I think they happened at about the same time, and if the computer came first, I need to possibly cancel the credit card I bought the projector with. I know I blogged about both events and I could look back to find out, but with the speed of this computer, that might take about three days. So I will have a contest to see if I can trick you all into doing my dirty work for me if you want to play along.

Here's how it goes: The first person to comment on this post and tell me which came first, the computer or ordering the projector - wins. And the prize is simple. I will thank you publicly on my blog, including a link to your blog if you have one. Hey, tens of people read this blog, so it might work out well. That is, as long as my computer does not die a painful, disease ridden death before then.

Which could happen.


Love my babes said...

So sorry for your STD computer. Ugh I do NOT represent any of the comments you made about knowing computers. My email was letting them in and ruined mine a couple years ago. I am not for sure but think you got your computer first. Best of luck!

Paging Doctor Mommy said...

Glad you are back up and running with internet again! I'm not sure about the plans for this week... I'm having a bone scan done on my foot on Wednesday, so I probably won't try to come down until next week. (Or at least once I know what the heck is going on)

For your contest... you did a post on April 27 about wanting the projector... then a post on April 28 that you swapped computers with your brother. So it may remain a mystery! Did you actually order it the day you posted about it? The title (so you can quickly search and read to jog your memory) of that post was The Family Swap Meet and Other Finds!

Jessica said...

Alright, Tiffani. It's time to show you my true blog devotion...

You wrote about getting the projector on April 27th, it looks like, a little before you wrote the Not Me Monday, the title of the blog was "The Family Swap Meet and Other finds," and you said that you had bought it the night before.

You wrote about getting the computer on what looks like was April 28th, but the entry didn't have a date. But it was definitely after the entry about buying the projector.


I don't really have a blog, but if people wanted to check out my poetry myspace they could.
Just be advised that I would rate my poetry about PG 13, for anyone who was concerned about that, or who had children.

I am just saying that I love your blog.

Jessica L.

p.s. Did I win? :)

Anonymous said...

Wow - I'm sorry about your computer! Also if you want to stop things from being found on the internet when you type a naughty word - if you put some pe.ri.ods in it - that STOPS most search engines from finding it. :) I won't bore you with the details of what I do to avoid the feds finding my opinion on certain elected officials. ;)
I hope it starts running really well and that everything's ok with it soon.
And I think you already got your answer on WHEN you got the computer & projector. :)

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Feel free to delete one of those FOREVER. OOPs - I don't know how that happened. :(