Welcome to Not Me! Monday! I am a big, giant, dork edition!
This week, I did NOT learn many lessons about computers. To be honest, I am just a teensy bit computerally illiterate. If you haven't figured that out by now. We got internet a little over a year ago, which was the first time I have had internet since living with my parents. Yeah. So there have been may changes in the last twelve years, which I was not aware of. And twelve years ago I did not care.
I was NOT running my computer without a firewall. I was NOT assuming that you had to actually download bad stuff to get a virus.
My brother bought me a shiny new router. This conversation did NOT take place as he was trying to explain it to me in terms I would understand:
Me: What's that?
Jeff: This is a wireless router.
Me: A wha?
Jeff: (did a great job refraining from rolling his eyes) OK. Here's what has been going on. Your computer has been having an affair with the entire internet without a c0ndom.
Me: Wait, my computer is pregnant?
Jeff: No, but your computer has every STD out there.
Me: That's bad.
Jeff: This (holds up router) is your c0ndom.
Me: Dirty computer.
I did NOT just spell c0ndom with a zero to avoid people finding my blog by googling something naughty.
I did NOT have a rogue anti-spyware program.
Jeff did NOT spend ten hours trying to clear my computer of nasties before setting it up so that he could control it from his house, and then go home and work on it for two more days.
I decided to count how many infections my computer had, viruses, Trojans, spyware, etc. I did NOT stop counting after I reached 200.
I did NOT just say my computer had over two hundred infections. That's just crazy.
Between my brother, his wife, and two of their friends that had come up to visit and help paint, there was NOT talk about how no one there had ever seen a worse computer except for lab situations where people purposely try to get computers infected, and even then it was close.
I did NOT have hackers sending Spam mail from my computer to hundreds of people.
There was NOT a debate about how many people have been tracking every keystroke I have ever made on this computer. Which kind of makes me giggle a little since I actually type like this:
Thi quick brownf ox jumpwed over the lazy dig. Simple sompn met a poeman going tho the fair. I am the very modedl of a moderm Majo rGenreal.
HaHa, nasty hackers! Good luck with that one!
My computer does NOT still have problems, and needs to have the hard drive wiped out and everything re-installed. Which means I am NOT losing Photoshop, since it came with this computer and I can't re-install it.
The computer is NOT slower than molasses in January and shuts itself down every ten minutes or so.
OK, enough whining. How about a contest? If I make this seem fun, will you all participate? I am stealing this idea from MckMama too.
I need to find out if I got this computer first, or if I ordered the World's Crappiest Digital Projector first. I think they happened at about the same time, and if the computer came first, I need to possibly cancel the credit card I bought the projector with. I know I blogged about both events and I could look back to find out, but with the speed of this computer, that might take about three days. So I will have a contest to see
Here's how it goes: The first person to comment on this post and tell me which came first, the computer or ordering the projector - wins. And the prize is simple. I will thank you publicly on my blog, including a link to your blog if you have one. Hey, tens of people read this blog, so it might work out well. That is, as long as my computer does not die a painful, disease ridden death before then.
Which could happen.