Thursday, June 30, 2011

If Urine Is Sterile, Can I Bill Costco For Cleaning Services?

Alternately titled: Because it's Been A While Since I Talked About Pee

Yesterday was going to be a great day.

I had a ton of errands to run that just had to be done no matter what, and I had all four kids with me. We were prepared with drinks, snacks, Emma's birthday money and the boys' piggy bank money with the promise of a trip to Target to get some toys that they had been saving for as a bribe reward for good behavior. I had a detailed list, so I wouldn't be frazzled and cranky. We were good to go.

Our first stop was Costco. We got all of our stuff done without incident, the kids watched Tangled on the display TV's for a while, and did a little dance with each other in the clothing sections while I perused adorable kids' clothing that I had no intention of buying. We were headed to the checkout line when Ben mentioned that he had to go potty. As soon as we were done paying we headed to the bathroom, which -by the way- my children insist on using every time; not only to relieve themselves, but also because the cool Dyson-air-blade hand dryer is awesome.

I don't blame them. It is cool.

Anywhoo, all but one stall was full, so the boys and I headed in to the empty one and Emma waited for the next available stall. Ben, being the most insistent of the three, got right down to business and sidled up next to the toilet to go.

The nice thing about twin boys is they can both pee at the same time.

The bad thing about twin boys is that they both pee at the same time.

You see, in Grant's haste to empty his bladder as well, he didn't quite pull his pants and undies down far enough, leaving a little u-shaped crevice of cotton and elastic directly under his boy-business. Kinda like a ski-jump of underwear, if you will.

I'm sure you can see where this is going.

The pee started, and following his Mama's instructions to "point it down", he pointed it directly at the ski-jump. Now, you need to make sure you can truly understand the scope of the situation. This not only created a surface in which the more he pointed it down, the more it ricocheted off the undies and went up, but it created a fan-like effect, similar to holding your thumb over a garden hose in an attempt to get the water to spray as far and wide as possible. The problem with this was, there were three other people in the stall.

And his ski-jump was pointed directly at his twin, who had finished peeing and was trying to re-dress himself.

I didn't know what was happening at first. I was bent over, taking Drew's coat off when Ben started screaming. I looked up to see a wild fan of urine streaming all over Ben and the wall of the bathroom stall, so in my completely-unaware-of-the-true-nature-of-the-situation-haste, I yelled, "Grant! Point it down!" which, of course, only made it worse.

Ben received the brunt of the urine-assault, and due to the packed-in-like-sardines condition of having three boys and a Mama in one small bathroom stall, he had no where to go but stand in the line of fire. Grant, confused as to why it wasn't working, started pointing it all directions in an attempt to make it go in the toilet while looking around mid-stream, and doused Ben, Drew, two walls of the stall, the floor, the entire surface of the toilet and some of my leg. Luckily, being in the back of the pack, I was mostly protected from the invasion of liquid secretion by a shield of little boys.

The screaming continued. Me: "Grant! Point it down! What the heck is going on?!?" Ben: "AAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..." Me: "Oh, honey, are you peeing on your underwear?!? Wait, stop peeing!" Drew: "What the heck! What the heck! What the heck!" Ben: "...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..." Me: "GRANT! STOP PEEING!" Ben: "...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!"

And so it continued, till his bladder emptied, leaving us in the once-shiny and clean stall, dripping with pee.

Yup. We urine-sterilized the whole dang thing. Costco, you're welcome.

I can only imagine what everyone else in the bathroom was thinking. Especially since, you know, every stall was full.

Grant and I just stood there, stunned. Ben- wet, mad, and sobbing, started stripping his urine-soaked clothing, refusing to wear it. I told him to put it back on, as we had no other option, so he screamed and whined in protest. "But it's wet and cold!" "I know, buddy, but we don't have a choice. You can't walk through Costco and out to the car naked, so you have to wear the wet pants till we get to the car."

Grant's front was soaked with urine. He calmly pulled his undies and pants back up, and then, unable to work the button through the soaking wet denim buttonhole, asked if I would help button his pants.

I said no. I no longer cared if he had to leave with unbuttoned pants, and I didn't want to touch any more pee.

I cleaned up the stall as best as I could, we all washed our hands, and we left. Me, defeated and close to tears; Ben, humiliated and soaked with his brother's urine; Grant, who didn't seem to mind in the least; and Emma, oblivious to the entire event and happily chatting about Costco hot dogs for lunch, which I had previously promised.

Hot dogs didn't happen, much to Emma's disappointment. We went straight to the van, had the boys change clothes and left. I still had a ton of errands that had to be done, I was frustrated, cranky, and I could smell pee on myself somewhere but could not find it.

We went to the Taco Time drive-through, where I apparently forgot how many children I actually have and only ordered enough food for three kids.

Maybe in my mind, I had already sold one to the gypsies.

We wet back through the Taco Time drive through and the nice man laughed when I explained that I was an idiot. I wonder what he would have said if I had said, "Well, getting peed on makes you stupid."


We pulled over and we all decided that the day needed a complete do-over. In order to re-start the day right, I got out and hugged each kid, told them good morning and asked them how they slept. This produced healthy, healing amount of giggles, and we hit the road again, refreshed and ready to go.

The rest of the trip went better. My darling husband met up at the post office to stay in the car with the kiddos so I could navigate the mess of a complicated package alone. Thank you, honey!

At Target, we did another bathroom break, and it was mildly uneventful. You know your kids are crazy when you leave a public restroom relieved that the only thing that happened was Ben accidentally dunked his coat in the toilet.

Just add another thing to the pile of pee-filled clothing in the van. No big deal.

At the end of the day, we got every single thing on the list checked off. Every single one of us cried at one point or another, and four out of the five got peed on, and my van still smells of urine.

Another reason why I will always and forever be Seeking Sanity.


TheOldestStudent said...

That story is just as good the second time!

Unknown said...

Well done, Tiff... Well done.

DJan said...

Okay, Tiff, you had me laughing out loud several times in this one. It is brilliant! Although I must say I'm glad it was YOU and not me having to tell the story... :-)

Craig Hulten said...

Too funny. I laughed until I (you guessed it) peed. One day they'll learn how to properly aim that little guy. :)

Anonymous said...

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read!! Thanks for the laughs!

Anonymous said...

Tiff, you're to young to know about the late Erma Bombeck. Read her book from the 70's "The Grass Is Always Greener Over The Septic Tank." It's you. You have those giftings to express life as it happens. Ward

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. I have three year old twin boys and this made me feel so normal, love it! Thanks for sharing.

Heather said...

This so so funny! Thank you for sharing!!! my favorite part is the re-do, that shows an amazing, patient, loving mom.

Bliss said...

probably did not seem funny at the time but this is hilarious. Thanks for sharing so others can laugh :)

Lora Lynn @ Vitafamiliae said...

Ah, the magic of simultaneous twin pee. My boy who is 16 mos. younger joined the fun when he could, but that resulted in a jostling and shoving match which resulted in, well, you know. Hilarious read, but I could feel my armpits sweating in sympathy for you.

Unknown said...

Thank you. I needed a really good laugh. I'm so sorry that it was such a crazy situation that I'm laughing at, but obviously, you're laughing a little too or you wouldn't have shared.

I think I may be a little happier I have twin girls. :)

Tracey @ said...

This post was so hilarious. I totally know what you mean when you said you were happy the 2nd bathroom trip at Target was uneventful other than your little one's coat in the toilet. I feel like that all the time.

And I had a do-over kind of day today too. Keep up the great posts. It's encouraging to know there are other moms struggling too.

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Melissa Sheldon said...

Oh, that post was priceless. I am so glad I no longer have kids that age, but at the same time I miss the antics.

Found you via the Bloggy Mom's Blog Hop. Glad I did!

Anonymous said...

I am reading this at work and PRAYING that no one catches me: I have tears streaming down my face! I am laughing so hard and crying so hard with sympathy and empathy all at the same time! Such an awesome & terrible story - I just love your writing!! Great job!!!

Anonymous said... this reminded me of your story

Anonymous said...

This was so funny. But the part that took me over the edge was the image of a pee soaked family taking the time to wash their hands. I lost it and the tears flowed as I roared with laughter. Thank you. I needed that today.

PK said...

Oh my! It is much funnier for me to read than it was for you to experience! I must commend you on your great attitude though - starting the day over, hugging your children, asking them how they slept. Keep up that great work.