Thursday, July 23, 2009

A Letter To My Neighbors

Dear residents of our driveway,

Well, hello, how are you? I'm good, thanks for asking. The reason I am writing this is to inform you of a certain situation that will be changing in our yard.

As you all know, it has been hot out lately. Really, really hot. And our little window air conditioner helps a little, but more often than not, the inside of our house is hotter then the outside. I'm sure you have seen us playing in the yard, running through the sprinkler and such. True, there is not much of our yard that you can see, because of the placement of the fences and trees, but I know you can catch a glimpse of us every now and again.

Which brings me to why I am writing this letter. I have been playing outside in baggy t-shirts and jeans, since I do not own any shorts that fit (and I refuse to shop for some, just knowing that I will lose another ten pounds soon and fit into my old ones,) and frankly, I am tired of the bad tan lines. In my quest to not look so much like a middle-aged haggard mom, I would really like to avoid having tanned forearms and white as can be upper arms and legs. I have made a decision that may affect you. I apologize that it has come down to this, but I really feel this is the best decision for me.

I am going to start playing outside in my swimsuit. And not just any swimsuit. The bikini that I wore before I had kids.

Now, I know that this may cause a bit of shock at first, as the pasty-white glow of newly exposed skin might cause headaches, and my cellulite-ridden thighs might bring on nausea. I am aware that my stretch marks and flabs of extra skin from carrying twins are not going to be the prettiest to show off between scraps of Hawaiian-print fabric, but that is the decision I have made.

And just so you all know, I have started Jillian Michaels 30-day shred, so I hope that the masses of flubber will soon be a thing of the past. And yes, I am aware that doing seven minutes of a thirty minute video one time and then not looking at it again for a week and a half might not constitute "starting a workout routine" for some, but we twin moms have to run on a different schedule than the rest of the world.

I think every girl has the right to get the most out of spending oodles of money on a swimsuit that she can never wear in public again. Yes, I have gained a bit since my days of wearing a bikini, (cough! thirty pounds! cough!) but give me a break, I had four kids in four and a half years! I think that you all might agree with me that in these tough economic times, that we need to use what we have and get the most of it. So I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you, and I beg you to not be so distracted by out-of-shape and brightly glowing form that you have an accident with your weed-eater.

Hopefully, over time, my pasty-whiteness and flab will become a thing of the past and we will be able to be friendly neighbors again.

Thank you for your time,
Tiffani

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

You go girl!! I do think these are tough economic times though and I would totally support you just not wearing anything to save on water and laundry detergent!If your going to be a rebel...do it all the way!!! LOL Kristen

Marty said...

I agree with Kristen.
;0)

Snow Mommy said...

I've seen worse at Safeway...you are good to go!

Carmen O. said...

my neighbors were worried about that second sun glowing on the horizon but i just assured them it was my friend tiffani. ;)

good for you tiff! i have yet to attempt the bikini in front of the mirror, let alone in public!

Aimee said...

As a mom who has gained a truly embarrassing amount of weight since having her first kid - and who insists on calling it "baby weight" even though my youngest is four and a half - I salute you. You can't spend the rest of your life mourning your teenage body, and you certainly shouldn't spend the rest of your life in capri pants. It's YOUR yard and YOUR dimpled thighs. Enjoy the sun, mama!

Flores Hayes said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Be careful. A large white polar bear has been seen chasing children around yards in Custer. A dazzeling white polar bear in a bikini.

Da'O

Curlyqfun said...

LOL....that is great!

Trust me I'm sure you look just fine compared to what I've seen recently!!!

Paging Doctor Mommy said...

Oh my, girlfriend, you crack me up! I think you should print this letter and leave it in all their mailboxes just to brighten their day. I would die laughing if any of my neighbors gave me a letter like this!

And by the way, you are beautiful!